69 Best Dirty Jokes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh
Everyone loves a good laugh, and sometimes the best humor comes with a naughty twist. Dirty jokes can add a fun, cheeky element to your conversations with friends, your partner, or at adult gatherings. The best dirty jokes are those that strike the right balance between playful and provocative, making everyone chuckle without crossing the line.
In this article, we’ve compiled a list of the best dirty jokes, ensuring you have the perfect joke ready to lighten the mood and bring a smile to everyone’s face.
Best Dirty Jokes for Husband and Wife
In a marriage, humor can be one of the best ways to keep the spark alive and the connection strong. Sharing a dirty joke with your spouse can bring a playful and intimate vibe to your relationship. The best dirty jokes for husband and wife are light-hearted, cheeky, and sure to make you both laugh. Here are some dirty jokes that are perfect for couples to enjoy together.
1. Why don’t we play hide and seek in the bedroom? Because good luck hiding from each other.
2. What’s the difference between your job and your wife? After five years, your job will still suck.
3. Why did the man propose to his girlfriend with an umbrella? Because he wanted to make sure she was covered.
4. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, just like you when you say you’re not in the mood.
5. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
6. Why don’t we ever get lost? Because wherever you go, I’m sure to follow (and nag).
7. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field – just like you are in bed.
8. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved – just like you wave away my advances.
9. Why did the couple go to the gym? Because they wanted their relationship to work out.
10. Why don’t we eat clocks? Because it’s too time-consuming, and we’d rather spend that time in bed.
11. What’s long and hard and has “come” in the middle? A cucumber.
12. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
13. Why don’t we play poker tonight? Because you already know I have a great hand.
14. What’s a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.
15. Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn’t find a date.
16. How do you know if you have a high sperm count? If your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
17. Why don’t we ever fight about money? Because we’re too busy spending it on date nights.
18. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a wild ride!
19. What’s the best part about gardening together? Getting down and dirty in the backyard.
Best Dirty Jokes for Friends
Sharing a good laugh with friends is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Dirty jokes can be a fun way to break the ice and add some spice to your hangouts. Here are some dirty jokes that are perfect for sharing with friends.
1. Why did the man get hit by a bike every day? He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
2. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
3. Why did the ketchup blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
4. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
5. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!
6. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
7. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
8. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
9. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
10. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
11. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”
12. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.
13. Why did the woman go out with a prune? Because she couldn’t find a date.
Best Dirty Jokes for Adults
For those adult-only gatherings or moments when you need a laugh, these dirty jokes are perfect for setting the mood. Here are some adult-themed dirty jokes to enjoy.
1. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
2. Why did the snowman smile? Because he could see the snowblower coming.
3. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
4. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
5. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
6. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris? Who cares, he’ll never find either.
7. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
8. Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
9. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
11. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I’ve never had a lentil on my face.
12. Why don’t we tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
13. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
14. How do you know if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
15. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
16. What’s the difference between a wife and a job? After five years, the job still sucks.
17. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
18. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Best Short and Quick Dirty Jokes
Sometimes, you need a quick laugh without a long setup. These short and punchy dirty jokes are perfect for those moments.
1. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
2. How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
4. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
5. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in.
6. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
7. Why don’t we play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
8. How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.
9. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Best Long-Form Dirty Jokes
Long-form dirty jokes often involve detailed setups and punchlines, delivering maximum impact with a great payoff. These jokes are perfect for sharing when you have a little more time and want to captivate your audience. Here are some of the best long-form dirty jokes.
1. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes.”
2. A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He asks her, “What’s your name?” She replies, “Carmen.” He says, “That’s a nice name. Did your parents give it to you?” She replies, “No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like the most: cars and men. What’s your name?” He thinks for a moment and says, “B.J. Titsngolf.”
3. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “You won’t believe what happened last night,” he says to the bartender. “I was having sex with my wife, and she started moaning, ‘Oh, come on, give me your Big Dick!’ I was so shocked, I almost fell off the bed!” The bartender laughs and says, “That’s nothing! Last night, I was having sex with my wife, and she said, ‘Oh, come on, give me your Big Dick!’ And I wasn’t even home!”
4. Two friends are chatting, and one says, “You won’t believe what happened last night. I was in bed with my wife, and she whispered in my ear, ‘Make love to me like you never have before.’ So I took out a condom.” The other friend asks, “What did she do?” He replies, “She said, ‘Who are you and how did you get in here?'”
5. A man and his wife are lying in bed when the husband says, “Hey, honey, how about a little action?” The wife replies, “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.” The husband says, “Is that your final answer?” She replies, “Yes.” “Okay,” he says. “I’d like to phone a friend.”
6. A man and his wife are in bed one night when the man turns to his wife and says, “Honey, let’s play a game. You pretend to be the doctor, and I’ll be the patient.” The wife agrees and says, “Okay, I’ll be the doctor. What seems to be the problem?” The man replies, “I think I need a check-up, doctor.” The wife says, “Alright, take off your clothes and lay down on the bed.” The man eagerly follows her instructions. The wife then says, “Now, doctor, what seems to be the problem?”
7. A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem. My wife has lost interest in sex.” The doctor says, “Try Viagra. That should help.” A few weeks later, the man returns and says, “Doctor, it worked! But now I’m having a new problem.” The doctor asks, “What is it?” The man replies, “Now the gardener is interested too!”
8. A couple is having sex when their young son walks in. “What are you doing?” he asks. The father replies, “Uh, we’re playing a game.” The son says, “The maid and the gardener were playing the same game, and she won because she got a new car!”
9. A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. He sits down next to her and says, “How about you and I go back to my place and get busy?” She looks him up and down and says, “Okay, but I charge $200.” He thinks for a moment and says, “Sure.” They go back to his place, have sex, and afterward, he hands her $100. She says, “I said $200.” He replies, “For that performance, you should pay me $100!”
10. A man and a woman are in an elevator. The woman suddenly starts to undress. She says, “Make me feel like a woman.” The man takes off his clothes, throws them on the floor, and says, “Fold those.”
Pay Attention: The Fine Line Between Funny and Offensive
When it comes to dirty jokes, walking the fine line between funny and offensive is crucial. Humor is subjective, and what one person finds hilarious, another might find distasteful or inappropriate. To ensure your jokes are taken in good humor, it’s important to know your audience well.
Understanding their sense of humor, comfort levels, and boundaries can help you gauge which jokes are appropriate. Avoid jokes that target sensitive topics or marginalized groups, as these can quickly cross the line from funny to offensive. Instead, opt for humor that is inclusive and light-hearted, ensuring that everyone can enjoy the laugh without feeling uncomfortable or hurt.
Another key aspect of keeping your jokes funny and not offensive is the context in which they are told. Timing and setting play significant roles in how a joke is perceived. A joke that might be funny among close friends at a casual gathering could be entirely inappropriate in a professional setting or around family. Pay attention to the mood of the room and the dynamics of the group before delivering your punchline.
If you’re ever in doubt, it’s better to err on the side of caution. A well-told joke should bring people together and create a shared moment of laughter, not alienate or offend anyone. Remember, the goal of humor is to uplift and entertain, not to demean or divide.
